Dealing with toxic people
13 min read
I heard an interesting radio segment by Gary Thomas called, "Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships". It was on the Focus on the Family Canada radio broadcast. This segment was based on Gary's book titled, When To Walk Away.
I learned how important it is for us to disengage from people who relish negativity, control, and hatred.
What are toxic people?
Toxic people are negative and antagonistic people who try to control your life. You will find that no matter what you do to please them, it is never enough. They are demanding people who exhaust you. They recognize that you are sincere and kind-hearted, and they will take advantage of you for it.
Signs of toxic people
1. They are controlling.
They want you to do what they want you to do. God is different. He respects our choice.
In the Old Testament, God let everyone choose who they wanted to serve (Joshua 24:14-15).
In the New Testament, Jesus let people walk away from him. God, who is all powerful and always right, is not controlling.
The New Testament talks about demonic possession. It does not talk about God possession. To attempt to control someone is not of God. If someone is trying to control you, they are trying to be a little god to you.
2. They have a murderous spirit
They kill reputations, friendships, peace, etc. They tear things apart and leave a wide trail of death. The fruit of their life is destruction after destruction. In John 10:10, Jesus said, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly."
If they are murdering your joy, your peace, and your sense of sanity, they are toxic.
Colossians 3:8 mentions the fruits of toxic people.
We who are not toxic might commit some of these acts as well, but the difference is that we recognize what we are doing and correct our behavior. For toxic people, they come alive when they are raging. They are never more fully awake than when they are lying. They are at their best when they are doing their worst, and for some reason they love to hate.
The underlying theme of a toxic person is the following, "You will do what I want you to do or you are going to pay the price."
What are some examples of toxic people?
A friend who does not invest in the relationship as much as you and expects you to do all the work in order to keep the friendship going.
A boyfriend or girlfriend who expects you to do whatever they wants, when they want it. Everything that has to do with you is always second to their demands.
A church leader who demands your unconditional submission and obedience to everything they ask of you and tell you to do.
How do toxic people make us feel?
Interacting with toxic people often leaves us feeling a false sense of guilt and a false sense of responsibility. They make us miserable and less effective individuals.
Toxic people are part of the devil's plan
Toxic people are part of the devil's plan. The enemy knows that he can't get God's people to stop caring, because God's spirit makes us care. We are sacrificial people, we give and give.
Since the devil knows this, and he knows that God can use us as a powerful blessing, he will try to make us waste our time with toxic people.
Instead of getting us to pour our care on ready fields that will produce great crops, the devil wants us to pour that care straight into the gutter of toxic people.
These toxic people will resent our care, reject the truth, won't be transformed, and will turn on us and make us pay for our good intentions. We get so caught up trying to placate and recover from toxic people that we are not investing in reliable people.
Invest in reliable people
It's a biblical precedent to find reliable people and to invest in them. We learn this from 2 Timothy 2:2. We are to entrust our time and energy to people who are reliable and faithful.
Jesus and toxic people
If we read the gospel of Luke, we will be surprised by how many times Jesus walked away from people, or let people walk away from him, in encounters where people were not willing to change. There are 41 total instances of this across all the gospels and about a few dozen distinct instances in the gospel of Luke.
Jesus let toxic and close-minded people go and invested in his disciples, who were fertile fields that were ready to produce a crop. We are to invest in open, ready, and fruitful people.
When you look back at every toxic person that you spent time with, you will notice that they are not better for it, and you are worse for it.
Play spiritual defense
Jesus played defence. When they tried to grab him to kill him, He slipped through the crowds and left their towns. Jesus died the death of a martyr and let himself be beaten. However, Jesus let himself be crucified only once. There was a pattern in Jesus' life where He walked away from many instances of intended persecution.
We don't have to let ourselves be beaten up and torn apart by toxic people. We should not lose time and effort and obsesses over toxic people. We should be looking for where we can do the most good.
We should not feel guilty about writing people out of our lives. We need to prune the fruitless branches that are draining the tree of our life of its ability to produce good fruit.
We must prune relationships that are keeping us from being fruitful. In John 15, Jesus tells us that even God cuts off every branch that bears no fruit. God prunes the tree to make it more fruitful.
Churches tend to emphasize piety over fruitfulness too much and it hurts us. We should not be pious to toxic people at the expense of fruitfulness. In Matthew 9:38, Jesus said that we should pray to the Lord of the harvest to bring in more workers, not more piety, and not more tithes. Jesus stresses fruitfulness as a big part of faithfulness.
Don't chase them, leave them
In Mark 5:1-20, Jesus delivered a man of demons and allowed them to go into the herd of pigs. Two thousand pigs rushed down an steep bank and drowned. The locals were furious. Their farming and their livelihood was gone.
What would we pay to see the incarnate Jesus in person and to hear him speak? What would we pay for that ticket? They had Jesus in person and they chose pork chops over salvation. The people pleaded with Jesus to leave their region. Jesus got in a boat and sailed off. Jesus did not plead with them or waste time with these unreceptive people. He left.
In Matthew 19:16-22, we find the story of the rich young ruler. Jesus gave him the hard truth and the ruler chose to walk away. Jesus did not go after him and try to negotiate with him so that he would accept the truth. Jesus gave him the truth and was ready to let him leave if he could not accept it.
Instead of chasing closed-off people, Jesus turned to people who were reliable and open to being taught, like his disciples.
The toxic heart
It is important to note that difficult or different does not mean toxic. When we deal with a truly toxic person, we can't help them until God does a work in their heart.
What causes toxic people?
What is behind that control and toxicity in a person? It could be that past hurts can lead them to becoming toxic. They can be responding as hurt people. Hurt people hurt people. However, the biggest reason for why people become toxic is pride.
The components of a toxic person – control, a murderous spirit, patterns of hate – these are all things that belong to pride.
Pride says, "You are not doing what I want you to do, so I'm going to get you to do what I want you to do." Pride also says "What matters is that I get to vent my anger, not how it impacts you."
Toxic people may not even be aware that they are acting this way. If you call them toxic, they might try to prove you wrong and call you abusive for calling them that.
Don't throw your pearls to pigs
In Matthew 7:6, Jesus said, “Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.”
Why shouldn't we throw our pearls to pigs? Because they will turn on us and tear us to pieces.
In the 1st century, pearls were very valuable. Jesus told a parable of a man who sold everything he had for one pearl.
In Jesus' words, we are told not to give the luxury of a pearl to a pig. A pig cannot appreciate the beauty of that pearl. A pig cannot eat the pearl so he spits it out and gets angry, saying, "you are not giving me what I want”. The pig wants pig slop that you can buy 10 years of with that one pearl that he spit out.
What is Jesus trying to say with his words about the pearls? Jesus is saying "I don't want you to be unnecessarily abused by interacting with toxic people who can't appreciate the good stuff you are giving them. They do not appreciate that you are acting out of love, they will turn and tear you to pieces."
Every believer's minutes count. The Holy Spirit can use you in valuable ways. Jesus is giving us such valuable advice to live more effective lives without the toxicity of toxic people.
No conviction, no counsel
We should always stick to the "No conviction, no counsel" rule. If there is no conviction in a person's heart, do not give them counsel. It does not help them. It just makes them angry.
We should ask ourselves, "Am I cooperating with what God is already doing in this person's heart or am I opening myself up for unnecessary abuse by giving this person what they are not ready for?"
When should I cut them out of my life?
Ask yourself the following:
- Is this still a productive encounter?
- Am I learning something? Are they learning something?
- Is God's cause being furthered or is this just debilitating and turning into a mess that needs to be avoided?
If it does not feel like a productive situation for you, leave and give the person over to God.
Let it go
Maybe you spoke up with good intentions, and that friend said that you are judgmental, rude, and wrong. You believe you said the right thing but it is anguishing to have people speak and think so negative of you.
You need to get to a point where it does not bother you anymore. You need to reach a level of freedom and disconnect. You have to tell yourself that this situation is their issue. You should not let the fact that they are wrong bother you. God knows that you acted with good motives. You need to believe that you acted the way God wanted you to act. Don't let it bother you. This is part of what it means to serve the Lord.
Accept dishonour as praise. The fact that you are being shot at means you are in the war doing a good work. We can learn more about this from 2 Corinthians 6:8-13.
It's not you. It's them. Your heart was wide open to them. But sometimes we are speaking as to children who are immature in their emotions and behaviour. They are restricted in their own affections. They are closed-minded and closed-hearted. Let them be.
God's people always want the murdering to end. Toxic people are better than us at being toxic, because they have been toxic their whole life. We don't want to become toxic in dealing with toxic people. We should not want to hate them or try to get revenge.
Walk away
Deep down, we want to help toxic people, not hurt them. We want to feel empathy for their hurt. But sometimes, the best way to help them, is to walk away or to let them walk away.
One of the best defences from becoming toxic ourselves is to walk away from toxic people before we become toxic. We can't control how others treat us, but we can control how we treat ourselves. Don't be toxic to yourself. Don't say anything to yourself that you would not say to those you love.
Toxic people will often make us feel like we are going crazy. We don't always have the knowledge to deal with them properly. We end up questioning ourselves. Toxic people make us ask ourselves questions like, "What did I say that made them so angry? Why do they hate me? Why do they treat me like I'm so insignificant and I don't even matter? Why can't they just let it go?".
Conclusion
Remember that God has chosen you, so even if everyone else rejects you, you won't be abandoned. God, the one who matters the most, loves you dearly, even if everyone else hates you.
Understand how hurt God is when he sees his people bullied. Understand how hurt God is when he sees the way that toxic people have taken advantage of sensitive, well-meaning believers.
Too often, we allow our lives to be terrorized and traumatized by toxic people. God wants us to realize how much He loves us and wants us to walk away. We are worshipping God when we choose to walk away. God hates that we are being bullied, manipulated, and controlled. Therefore, when we remove ourselves from a situation where we are being bullied, we make God happy. We bring God joy.
You are not an orphan. You are created and loved and adopted by a God who is passionate about your welfare.
God is saying, "Serve me by walking away. I don't like what is happening to you. I want it to stop. I inspired this moment so that you can serve me by learning when to walk away."